My Experience With Satya

This is the assignment I was given in my yoga training class. A friend and I were to read about Satya, the second yama from the Yoga Sutras, which means truth and honesty. Truth in this case meaning far more than just being truthful in word. We were then to also write on our own experience with Satya. I reflected on this and could come up with many examples to write on, and then something happened last week in class that I was very moved to write on.

I was in a pose, and quite challenged by it, when my teacher told me to soften my heart. Boom! Those three words struck me all the way to my core and beyond. I nearly burst into tears right then and there. Those words have not left me since and, in fact, I have now encountered them several times since. They are indeed the perfect words for me at the perfect time.

I have discovered that I experience my most authentic and true self when I am living through my heart. Everything "works" when I am connected to my heart center. So, when my teacher said those words it was like someone was finally able to shatter the barrier that I have erected around my heart since my father passed away in March. I realize that I have been "hardening" my heart in order to not feel the grief that I have yet to process. And now looking back over the last 6 months, I see how much that has affected how I have been living (or not living) my life and the choices I have made. It is sad to me because I know that there has been much of my full and true self missing.

What is interesting to me about that is the fact that I actually discovered more of myself, my true self, while participating in the moments and the events of the last few days of my father's life. I did things that I never thought I was capable of and moved way beyond the limits that I had been imposing on myself and my relationship with my father. I was able to expand and felt more connected to the truth within, and to the universal truth, than I have ever felt before. What is kind of strange is that the night before my father's last night of life I had a dream where I was trying to see myself in a mirror and I couldn't. I could only see small parts of me....only glimpses. It was like it was foggy, and no matter how hard I tried, I could only see little bits and pieces. I jerked awake because it reminded me of the auras I have gotten with migraines and so it freaked me out a bit. The dream really stuck with me though and it was a couple of hours after my father's death, while driving home with my husband, that it struck me. My father had just given me a gift.....the opportunity of seeing who I really am and clarity around the truth of my being. To me, the mirror in the dream had represented the fact that I hadn't been seeing myself clearly and for all that I really am and after my experience with my dad I felt an enormous clarity around that.

Yet, I find myself aware now that I haven't fully received that gift because I haven't made space for it in my heart. It has hurt to think about those moments and to remember them and so I haven't really allowed myself to. However, I am also discovering just how much it hurts to separate from something that is really a part of you. My father and that experience are a part of me and are meant to be.

As I sit and reflect on this more I discover that what is really missing in my heart is forgiveness for myself. I realize that the kicker for me is that by seeing and accepting myself as so much more, how do I make peace with all of the times that I chose to be so much less? Regrets and guilt are finally loosening their grip on me and my heart, but it takes a tremendous amount of mindfulness to move away from their claws each day. I do know in my mind that my father and I shared what we were meant to share and how we were meant to share it, but it is taking some effort to get that knowledge stored in my heart. It can be hard to accept that there aren't any more opportunities to share myself with him, however, I would like to begin to focus more now on the celebration of what we did share and on the ways we did grow in our relationship. And I never want to forget that I did give him a magnificent gift too. He told me a couple of years before his death that he did not want to die alone......and I was by his side when he died.

Happy To Be Right Where I Am :)

I am happy to be right where I am. That feels so good to say and, more importantly, it feels so good to really feel this way. I have spent most of my life trying to be somewhere or someone else. While out for a run last week with my husband and two of my three children, I encountered this concept and it felt great. All of them were way ahead of me and instead of judging myself and my running and feeling bad about being "behind", these words floated right into my head. I played with them for a moment, tossing them around, and then began to smile big time. Yes! These words are spectacular! These words bring about a huge feeling of acceptance, peace, and contentment throughout my entire body. And, Yes! These words, when I apply them to my life, are completely liberating. I can stop "trying" to change what is and I can actually participate with and simply embrace what is.......to love each moment exactly as it is and to not get caught up in the need to change it, is something I am on board with :) It is like a golden ticket to freedom......because if I don't judge or fight with where I am, I can actually exist fully in that moment instead.

This really goes along nicely with accepting myself exactly as I am. I have discovered that this is a much bigger concept than I had originally thought. And for a long time, I didn't really get it and, thus, couldn't really apply it either. Lucky for me, I have the most amazing and gracious people in my life to show me what I am ready to see. They showed me that I was not really claiming parts of myself...parts that I really wanted to know and to claim. I had chosen instead to define myself in a very safe, simple, and one dimensional way. I had chosen to judge and deny parts of myself and this was closing me off to some important parts of life that I wanted to experience. As a result of this choice, deep down I was becoming very angry, frustrated, unhappy, and unbalanced. You see, I have come to think that being "balanced" is really being open to and embracing unconditionally all parts of ourselves. I am not meant to shut away parts of myself; the parts that I had been taught to judge and define as bad, but that are also actually the parts that frankly help me to feel the most alive. I am meant to be my all and to live my all. That to me means letting go of the need to even define myself at all. Defining myself limits me from ever meeting me in full....it boxes me in and closes me off from discovery and expansion. It separates me from living the full me.....I immediately cease to exist when I label and define myself. I truly think we are addicted to labeling and defining everything and we do this out of fear and the need to try to keep everything so neat and organized and safe. I, frankly, find that I begin to suffocate and to become my most anxious when I define things because then I become consumed with the work that it takes to try and make sure that it continues to fit neatly in that box....I become resistant to letting things just be and to let them peacefully change and become what they are meant to be. I find myself becoming attached and needing to control and I start to feel icky. So, I find myself so very grateful now for the opportunity to recognize this and to allow myself to simply be me....all of me...open to meeting ever more of me...yet happy to be me right where I am.

p.s. Thank you so much for being in my life :)

"I'm Out There Jerry and Loving Every Minute Of It!"

Yes, I am a big Seinfeld fan (I actually watched taped episodes during the labor of my first child) and this is one of my favorite lines.....when Kramer is telling Jerry how much he loves NOT wearing underwear and that he won't go back. I love this line, and Kramer, because they exemplify embracing the choice of freedom so damn fantastically. Kramer and his ability to just completely grab life by the horns represent to me a most magnificent freedom. He does whatever "crazy" thing he is moved to do in each moment.

I have been thinking alot about the idea of freedom lately and reflecting on or questioning how much freedom and "crazy" do I allow for myself or allow in my life? Last night I attended the Green Day concert with my hubby, my son, and his friends. The idea of freedom filled my whole being.....really the sense of being alive was crashing like waves through my whole body. Billie Joe, the lead singer, put on an incredible performance that I felt completely moved by. He strutted, he jumped around, he swore like crazy, he sang passionately,......he literally rocked it out! I wanted to be him!! He was so in the moment and living his passion, and at the same time sharing that so generously with all of us.....helping us all to feel alive too. I soaked it all up....the lights, the $9.00 beer my husband bought, the smell of "dirty ass" weed, the f-bombs, the screaming crowd,....everything that was being given to me in that moment. I felt so alive and so extremely happy to be part of that moment.....and I want more moments.

At one point, Billie Joe pulled up members of the audience to sing or play his guitar. I was so happy and excited for those people....people willing to get up in front of thousands of people and take a chance at LIFE! Again, that moment brought me to the question of how am I living my life? Am I freeing myself up and fully living each moment, or am I censoring myself and holding back? Am I locking parts of myself in and keeping me away from it? Good questions, especially since I have come to realize that no one else can keep me away from it....no one else stands in my way, but me. I can choose my freedom or my limits at any time.

In fact, my most amazing husband reminded me of this just a few weeks ago when were were attending a party. You see, I have been more of a worrier type for most of my life....I kind of gave myself over to fear more than I would like to admit. I would describe myself as more of the sensitive type and next to my older sister, I always saw myself as the weak one. I grew up with migraines....the kind with the aura that comes first. Well, the aura unsettled me big time and so I grew fearful of them and what might trigger them. I gave my freedom away to them - plain and simple. Well, while my family and I were at a most cool rock n' roll party, I became concerned about the strobe light and it pissed me off that I was about to hand over my freedom to fear yet one more time. I told my husband that I hated that I was the sensitive type and he looked me right in the eye and said, "You can be whatever you want to be. You get to choose your own limits." Wow, those words packed a punch and hit me right where they needed to. I stood up, marched myself right over to the dance floor, and danced the night away with the strobe light. I danced like I have never danced before....feeling completely free, completely in the moment, and totally wrapped up in the joyful glee of being me - A Warrior Goddess Princess. Because, remember, I get to choose what I want to be :)

100% Me :)

I have to admit straight out that writing this blog is a biggie for me....way outside my comfort zone.... because, although I have a tremendous and deep desire to be an author, I also have had a tremendous and deep fear of exposing myself..... of really being known and seen. (What's funny is that I also have a very deep desire to truly be known and seen). All my years of self therapy have taught me that this is due to not really feeling good enough just as I am and not loving and accepting myself just as I am. Well, since turning 40 recently, I have decided that it is time to really do something about that fear....what am I waiting for? If I don't choose to change the way I feel about myself, who is going to do it? Ultimately, the truth is, is that no one else can do it for me. I have come to realize that we are blessed with many loving people in our lives who can enhance our love and happiness, but we are the ones who have to be it for ourselves to begin with.

So, to celebrate myself and the fact that I am taking up loving, accepting, approving, and appreciating myself just as I am, I have a new rule for myself......to be 100% me, "just" me at all times. No vacations...or time off for good behavior...lol. I have to say, "What a relief!" I admit, it is not always easy since I can relate very well to many of the life experiences that we often share with each other.....the times when we were younger and someone was mean to us or we felt that we didn't fit in. All of those times that we struggled because ultimately we cared way more what someone else thought of us and we just really wanted to fit in and be approved of. So, we begin to only show parts of ourselves....the parts we think and hope may be good enough to share. We participate in play acting.......or as I have come to see it lately......prostituting - "I will show you what I think you want if you will pay me with a compliment or your approval." Yes, I do still carry some of those experiences deep within me, but I am tired of denying myself and my "unique" beauty. I feel like I am denying myself the treasures that are also buried deep within me. I am 40 and I feel like it is time to grow up a little more and to feel safe in embracing myself and who I really am.

I began to really think about all of this even more today when a friend asked about what if we were to see the darkest side of her. It really hit a spot inside of me since I realized recently that I have still been truly resisting parts of myself. The parts that I felt if I claimed or showed that people would then think I was a bad person....I have been resisting the parts that I was "judging" as bad and that I had become scared of. Instead of accepting all of me, I was only accepting bits and pieces and I was on some level fighting the rest of me. That really made me feel sad and also, exhausted, since it is really a full time job sorting out what I can show and what I can't. I have come to realize that the world really needs all of me. I am here for a reason with my own unique gifts to share and if I am busy hiding and denying parts of me, then I am not really sharing, am I ? The world needs all of you and the world needs all of me :)