I was in a pose, and quite challenged by it, when my teacher told me to soften my heart. Boom! Those three words struck me all the way to my core and beyond. I nearly burst into tears right then and there. Those words have not left me since and, in fact, I have now encountered them several times since. They are indeed the perfect words for me at the perfect time.
I have discovered that I experience my most authentic and true self when I am living through my heart. Everything "works" when I am connected to my heart center. So, when my teacher said those words it was like someone was finally able to shatter the barrier that I have erected around my heart since my father passed away in March. I realize that I have been "hardening" my heart in order to not feel the grief that I have yet to process. And now looking back over the last 6 months, I see how much that has affected how I have been living (or not living) my life and the choices I have made. It is sad to me because I know that there has been much of my full and true self missing.
What is interesting to me about that is the fact that I actually discovered more of myself, my true self, while participating in the moments and the events of the last few days of my father's life. I did things that I never thought I was capable of and moved way beyond the limits that I had been imposing on myself and my relationship with my father. I was able to expand and felt more connected to the truth within, and to the universal truth, than I have ever felt before. What is kind of strange is that the night before my father's last night of life I had a dream where I was trying to see myself in a mirror and I couldn't. I could only see small parts of me....only glimpses. It was like it was foggy, and no matter how hard I tried, I could only see little bits and pieces. I jerked awake because it reminded me of the auras I have gotten with migraines and so it freaked me out a bit. The dream really stuck with me though and it was a couple of hours after my father's death, while driving home with my husband, that it struck me. My father had just given me a gift.....the opportunity of seeing who I really am and clarity around the truth of my being. To me, the mirror in the dream had represented the fact that I hadn't been seeing myself clearly and for all that I really am and after my experience with my dad I felt an enormous clarity around that.
Yet, I find myself aware now that I haven't fully received that gift because I haven't made space for it in my heart. It has hurt to think about those moments and to remember them and so I haven't really allowed myself to. However, I am also discovering just how much it hurts to separate from something that is really a part of you. My father and that experience are a part of me and are meant to be.
As I sit and reflect on this more I discover that what is really missing in my heart is forgiveness for myself. I realize that the kicker for me is that by seeing and accepting myself as so much more, how do I make peace with all of the times that I chose to be so much less? Regrets and guilt are finally loosening their grip on me and my heart, but it takes a tremendous amount of mindfulness to move away from their claws each day. I do know in my mind that my father and I shared what we were meant to share and how we were meant to share it, but it is taking some effort to get that knowledge stored in my heart. It can be hard to accept that there aren't any more opportunities to share myself with him, however, I would like to begin to focus more now on the celebration of what we did share and on the ways we did grow in our relationship. And I never want to forget that I did give him a magnificent gift too. He told me a couple of years before his death that he did not want to die alone......and I was by his side when he died.
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