I have to admit straight out that writing this blog is a biggie for me....way outside my comfort zone.... because, although I have a tremendous and deep desire to be an author, I also have had a tremendous and deep fear of exposing myself..... of really being known and seen. (What's funny is that I also have a very deep desire to truly be known and seen). All my years of self therapy have taught me that this is due to not really feeling good enough just as I am and not loving and accepting myself just as I am. Well, since turning 40 recently, I have decided that it is time to really do something about that fear....what am I waiting for? If I don't choose to change the way I feel about myself, who is going to do it? Ultimately, the truth is, is that no one else can do it for me. I have come to realize that we are blessed with many loving people in our lives who can enhance our love and happiness, but we are the ones who have to be it for ourselves to begin with.
So, to celebrate myself and the fact that I am taking up loving, accepting, approving, and appreciating myself just as I am, I have a new rule for myself......to be 100% me, "just" me at all times. No vacations...or time off for good behavior...lol. I have to say, "What a relief!" I admit, it is not always easy since I can relate very well to many of the life experiences that we often share with each other.....the times when we were younger and someone was mean to us or we felt that we didn't fit in. All of those times that we struggled because ultimately we cared way more what someone else thought of us and we just really wanted to fit in and be approved of. So, we begin to only show parts of ourselves....the parts we think and hope may be good enough to share. We participate in play acting.......or as I have come to see it lately......prostituting - "I will show you what I think you want if you will pay me with a compliment or your approval." Yes, I do still carry some of those experiences deep within me, but I am tired of denying myself and my "unique" beauty. I feel like I am denying myself the treasures that are also buried deep within me. I am 40 and I feel like it is time to grow up a little more and to feel safe in embracing myself and who I really am.
I began to really think about all of this even more today when a friend asked about what if we were to see the darkest side of her. It really hit a spot inside of me since I realized recently that I have still been truly resisting parts of myself. The parts that I felt if I claimed or showed that people would then think I was a bad person....I have been resisting the parts that I was "judging" as bad and that I had become scared of. Instead of accepting all of me, I was only accepting bits and pieces and I was on some level fighting the rest of me. That really made me feel sad and also, exhausted, since it is really a full time job sorting out what I can show and what I can't. I have come to realize that the world really needs all of me. I am here for a reason with my own unique gifts to share and if I am busy hiding and denying parts of me, then I am not really sharing, am I ? The world needs all of you and the world needs all of me :)
What a great way to start a blog!
ReplyDeleteI really relate to that idea of only showing what you think other people want to see. I remember being in high school, and having seperate circles of friends, and the idea of mixing them together at a party or get-together, was terrifying. And really, I think it was terrifying because I wasn't the same person in every group. No one saw the whole me. It was bits here and pieces there. As I've become more comfortable with myself, I've let more and more of myself come out, and really, trying to figure out what 100% me even is.
I'm looking forward to more of your writing!
Thank you, Meagan :) Honestly, I can relate very much to what you just wrote. I am also in the process of discovering what 100% me means. I can often feel it in my gut, though, as to whether or not I am being true to myself in situations. I am learning to listen to that gut feeling more and more :) Thanks so much for sharing!
ReplyDeleteVery nice, Andrea. There is a pain in being open but I find it easier to understand when compared to the other tangible pains in life (childbirth, the mouth sore you can't stop touching with your tongue, the back massage hitting the really painful spots) You feel relieved, rewarded and fulfilled after.
ReplyDeleteIt took a difficult experience for me to start removing some of the pretense I had in my life and, while it is a never ending process with perspective and priorities always evolving, I feel best on the days when I don't censor myself. Sometimes that means not everyone gets me. I'm okay with that.
Looking forward to the next post.
Amen, girl. Bravo for starting your blog. I look forward to reading more. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments :) You gals rock and I love you!!
ReplyDeleteGreat blog! Kelly, I am just really starting to be okay with the fact that not everyone will "get me"...love the blog!
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed that you posted this at 6:30 in the morning! And what a lovely way to start a blog, with your resolution to be 100% you.
ReplyDeleteI've always had a desire to live authentically, too; but being a private person has led me to wear different masks in different situations. I've often felt like I was acting the part--dutiful daughter, supportive wife (at business functions), model student, sexy girlfriend (years ago). Whatever the situation demanded so that the "real" me-- the one with idealistic vision, the one who cries at the sound of a beautiful concerto or even a touching commercial, the one with unrealistic hopes and dreams-- could remain protected. I've finally hit sheer exhaustion. Now, at 43, I have to rediscover who I really am, and I'm finding it quite painful.
So kudos to you for so openly declaring yourself. You are you, and that's enough.
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. It was beautifully written and I was quite moved by it.